I have realized I was actually envying every single human being without kids (or those having them but over 25), only when I found myself with my hands clenched on the handlebars of the pram carrying that wee tiny screaming thing that is my daughter. The same little one who forced me to spend many nights in fits and starts and totally twisted my old habits and life, the same wee thingy who made me jump every time I saw that strange dark figure wandering about the house, that I could recognize as my husband only when I was able to tuck her in bed.
I envied the old man with his dangling head having a nap on the bench, I really did envy the weightless girl on roller blades wiggling her nice butt, and I was obviously envying the roller blades. In short, I was just yearning to be everyone or everything in the world as long as miles away from a baby!
Then you know, time passes, things change and you see your life from a different point of view! All of a sudden, everything makes sense and you are definitely sure that it’s all worth it! The lovely dark rings under your eyes, the fact your concentration is now more or less like that of a skirting board, the obsession for baby food brands, nappies, lullabies, and Teletubbies…you feel a powerful sense of self-fulfillment arising from your consciousness.
For this reason, after the critical post-natal phase, I have never had any serious problem with other childless human beings.
I have decided to be a mother and my friend has not, that’s it!
It’s her choice, who am I to judge or criticize her? She is adorable with my daughter and that’s enough.
We often see each other without Camilla and certainly not because we do not want her around. In fact, the sweet little girl heads straight to her grans’ when she senses I’m arranging a coffee with my friend, justifying her choice with a ” sorry mum, but you both are gonna chat so much I know I’m gonna get a headache!”
That’s it! It’s possible to keep a friendship alive with a childless woman. Obviously, the one who went through the nice experience of the labour should stick to a kind of targeted bon ton and the one who has not the foggiest idea of what “c’mon lady, push, push!!” means should be open-minded and quite adaptable.
First, you have to know why your friend (or acquaintance) does not have children. There are two options:
a) She has chosen consciously that she will not be a mother
b) She cannot have children.
In both cases, here is a list of ten phrases never to say to childless women. If you want to avoid cold and/or hot wars, read carefully!
1) Have a great time guys! When you have kids, everything relentlessly changes
Well, if I had the slightest doubt about having or not having kids believe me, I’d probably stick to my “happy hours” and weekend breaks! Especially after noticing your shirt studded with unidentified stains, your hair that reminds me of Grandmama Addams and most of all your zombie stare as alive as a Madame Tussaud wax statue;
2) Lucky you guys! I really envy you
Right..mmmh…is there any kind of law that forces you to have kids I know nothing about?!
3) Why don’t you have kids?
Because even the furthest thought of them becoming friends with yours gives me the creeps;
4) My son does this…my daughter does that…
OK, and I seriously wonder whether it’s worse listening to you or sitting on a bunch of stinging nettles;
5) So when are you guys going to get started?
What part of “these-are-sensible-information”don’t you actually grasp?
And I don’t know why, but I really have a weird feeling that if I try to answer, you would go straight to the second question on which kamasutra position I perform in order to promote conception!
6) Kids give your life meaning and true happiness!
So basically, as I don’t have any, I’m just a poor silly little match girl forced to lead a miserable life…awright!
7) The kid’s birthday party: I hope you don’t get bored….
Bored? Who? Us? No way, it will be great to bear the unbearable screaming, shouting and jumping around of little dwarves for at least two endless hours;
8) The kid’s birthday party: You must be there!
Absolutely! Spending an afternoon risking deafness and with nerves tried to the limit, it’s just what we were longing for. It will definitely be one of the most intense memories of our life.
9) Have you ever considered adoption?
And…have you ever considered to really mind your own freaking business? It’s healthy, cheap and grants you a long life;
10) You’re not parents, you can’t understand…
I do admit that we may actually miss the different shades of your everyday problems, the hectic life you lead in an assembly-line-worker mode, the fact that it’s hard to deal with your child when he/she throws a temper tantrum…but it is definitely, unequivocally and truly clear that you are an arsehole, born and bred!
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